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Thinking, thinking

Sitting around today thinking about my fairly dysfunctional family. M4 and I were going to get together today to scrap, each one of us is working on a scrapbook with memories of dad. Mostly pictures, since memories of dad were few and far between… I was also thinking about the conundrum of the trial coming up in Minnesota. Ugh, no wonder my anxiety level has been through the roof lately.

i got the subpoena before Christmas, but I spent so long sending the affidavit that I received it, they sent me another one. Truth is, I’m having a hard time trying to figure out how I’m going to handle getting there. Ah, in my car, you wise one… Steve won’t go with me, so that, of course severely limits my ability to pay for a hotel room, gas, food… Even if it’s only for one day, and even more if it’s for two. He knows I got the subpoena, I told him, but he thinks I can just ignore it. I love the guy, but he’s very concrete in his thinking. In his mind, the world goes according to his way of thinking. He doesn’t want me to go, so it should be no big deal if I don’t. Uh, no.

When we were first married I didn’t have custody of my son. Consequently, I had to pay child support. Well, in Steve’s mind that was unfair. (It was unfair in my mind too, I should have had Matt… but that’s for another day). He nagged and nagged ad NAGGED and told me to just quit paying it. I finally realized that the only way I was going to get him to understand that paying court-ordered child support is not an option, was to quit paying and let him see the result. Yeah, that worked out real well. My Satan spawn ex-in laws paid for my ex to take me back to court for contempt, which I know was entirely correct. The judge gave me the ultimatum that I pay $200 by Friday and $50 a month to catch up or I would be tossed in the slammer. Very fair, in my estimation. The only hitch was that I didn’t get paid until a week from Friday and I didn’t have $200. I took my lawyer with me out in the hallway to discuss this with Steve. HIs comment was “so?”. My attorney asked him if he would be wiling to pay the $200. “No. It’s not my obligation to pay her child support.” Again, that was true. However, I wanted him to see how you cannot just wantonly disregard court orders – and he didn’t get the point. I had to borrow the money from a co-worker or I would have spent the week in the slammer. Didn’t bother Steve a bit. (sigh)

I have explained all this to him AGAIN. I have told him that if I don’t show up for court, they will more than likely order a bench warrant for my arrest for contempt. He thinks this is no big deal because it’s in Minnesota and I don’t live there. The thing is I probably could never GO there again either. I know in Omaha when officers stop a car they can ask for ID from everyone in the vehicle. If that happened in Minnesota, I would be a visitor at the state’s expense until I know doubt paid a fine – and you know where that money would come from. Me. And I don’t exactly have a bulging savings account since disability really doesn’t go that far…

Steve thinks this isn’t my problem and I never should have gotten involved in it in the first place. Well, if I could go back 12 years and unsee and unhear things I saw and heard I would agree. However, the fact that I knew trouble was brewing with H and her father, and I had a conversation with her mother to tell her the situation was inappropriate, yet it continued, I AM involved. I’m the one who called the police and reported the abuse. I AM involved. I can’t be uninvolved now, just because he wants me to be. Frustrating. I don’t understand why he can’t be at least a little bit proud of me for standing up for a young girl who was in big trouble. I don’t care who the “players” were, that had nothing to do with it. I could not and did not stand by and let sexual abuse go on. I would do the same thing over again – only this time I might try to find a way to MAKE someone listen to me. I can’t imagine the mental abuse that went along with the physical abuse. How terrible. Yet, I’m supposed to walk away.

I know where this comes from in this case. I think Steve may be jealous that a former whatever you want to call him is involved. Big deal. I can’t understand the jealousy. After all that’s been said and done does he really think I would be susceptible to that idiot’s “charms”. Ha ha ha. Really, that’s laughable. I want to see that jerk sit behind bars for the rest of his natural life. He’s disgusting, gross and filthy. What’s to be jealous of? Which also begs the question, why won’t Steve go with me? He’s already said he won’t. So I’ve asked my sister, M4, to go with me. She will, and we’ll be fine. It should be an overnight trip if everything goes well. Get there one day, meet with the county attorney that afternoon to go over testimony, stay the night, testify the next day, and hopefully I’ll be done by the end of court that day and I can come home. End of story. But, no… I have to worry about explaining all this and getting into an argument that I can’t win because I’m doing something he doesn’t approve of. Ulcer, anyone?

Anyway, all this makes me wonder why I can’t seem to have the kind of relationship with my husband that I want. I love him, I do. But it’s not the kind of relationship I want. There’s no basis of trust for either of us. When we got married he didn’t trust me because of what wife #1 and put him through. I could deal with that, at the time. I figured he had good reason to be so untrusting, but at this point we’ve been married for 25 years, and things are no different now than the day we were married. Yes, I have left 3 times – because I got fed up with the way we were living and that lack of trust I have in him, because of his lack of trust in me. It’s like a vicious circle. He won’t trust me, I get tired of him not trusting me, I move out because I’m tired of it, he apologizes, he makes an effort to make things work, I move back home, he figures everything is back to normal, and then everything goes back to the way it was before. At this point in my life, I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to be married to anyone else. I don’t ever want to think about dating again – ever. I just want to be me. Wife, mom, grandma – dog mom. I’m happy with that. I want to be a good person and do what’s right when I see something so terribly wrong. Why is that bad? I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round and somebody has removed the gold ring, and I’m still trying to reach it.

5 September 2013

Good news! Sue is awake and moving all her extremities. She still has the ventilator tubes in, so she can’t talk yes, and by evening she’s pretty frazzled and tired, but she is awake! Thank God – and everyone who has been praying for her! I think she has a long road ahead of her, but she can do it. The biggest problem right now is her lungs. With the emphysema she’s had for a few years, they’re having trouble getting her off the ventilator. Last week, she was off for about 14 minutes, yesterday and today she made it 37 minutes. She has to go at least an hour or more in order to get moved out of ICU and be able to keep her O2 sats up. Hopefully by next week. Smitty thinks by this weekend, but I think it’s going to take more time. If oxygen is the only thing she goes home on, she can really count herself as a very lucky girl. She suffered a sudden cardiac death at home that night, they resuscitated her in the ambulance but then she coded again, they resuscitated her again, but once she got to the hospital she coded again. Angels were watching over her that evening! We just have to wait and see if there are any problems with being oxygen deprived for 3-4 minutes while waiting for the squad… She still has a hard row to hoe, but she can do it.

Dorothy went home Tuesday. I’m still recovering. Doing all that running around in one week was hard, a little harder than I thought it would be. I’ll be fine, it just is taking me a few days! I miss her, wish she was back… Oh the ties of family that take you away from your friends and then keep you from going back. I totally understand. She’s lucky enough to have Madison every weekend. If I had Hailey ever weekend, I wouldn’t want to leave either!

3 Sept 2013 – a.m.

Dorothy is getting ready to go. Her suitcase is a little lighter since Heidi decided to eat her chocolate covered cherry bar. Darn dogs! I heard snarling, which is totally out of character for my dogs, no seriously, and found Ben running out of Dorothy’s room so I went in to investigate and found Heidi munching through the wrapper trying to get the cherry… She snarled at me too, but she got her nose popped so she would drop it. She’s now in exile from my bedroom. No bad dogs allowed!!! I’m trying not to be sad here, is it working?

I let Buttercup out about half an hour ago and the cicadas are actually quiet! I couldn’t hear them at all. I’m wondering if I’m just deafened from the loudness of the past month or so, but I really think they were quiet. Amazing. Gross little creatures, I’ll be glad when they’re gone for the winter! By the time their next 17-year cycle begins maybe I really won’t be able to hear them!

That’s it for now. No phone calls from the hospital or anything. Smitty told Steve today he was going to go in and ask for family leave today and if they wouldn’t give it to him he was going to quit. Now that’s not good… Don’t quit the job that pays the insurance! Even if Sue’s has the insurance… I’m worried about them. Thank goodness their house is paid for!

Labor Day 2013

Dorothy is going home tomorrow… What am I going to do without her here again? It doesn’t take long to slip right into an old friendship like putting on a familiar pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt, does it? We’ve been shopping, talking about our grandchildren, doing some more shopping… Oh, did I mention eating too? We’ve been doing a lot of that too. We didn’t have as many people show up for her cook out as we had planned… Thanks Mike and Bob for stiffing your sister on her birthday. You both officially SUCK in my book. Not because you didn’t come over, but because you didn’t even have the courtesy to call and tell us you weren’t coming when you basically RSVP’d last week AND you didn’t even call your sister to wish her a happy birthday and you’re both in town. Bob – you especially are pretty darn close to where I live, and to just be a no show and not even call to tell her to have a happy birthday was just plain RUDE. I felt sorry for her for awhile, but then we had fun and forgot all about you! I’m already crying when I think of her leaving. I physically feel better when she’s here – it’s having someone to talk to or watch TV with or whatever… We were doing that long before I ever even met Steve! Not that he’s so bad to do things with, just, having a girlfriend is a lot different than a husband, KWIM? (wink, wink)… We’re both too old to do much mischief, but it’s fun remembering the mischief we did have in the past…. Ah, life was good!

Day 6 of Sue being unresponsive. She opened her eyes again today and moved her foot, but that’s about it. That’s about all that’s been happening for the past 6 days… Of course she has the ventilator tube down her throat, so she couldn’t talk if she wanted to, but she doesn’t make any attempt. I haven’t even seen her with her eyes open yet. I don’t know if she’s looking at something in particular, or if she’s just trying to focus or figure out who we are. Tom is not at all hopeful that’s she’s going to recover much, if any, cognitive ability. The first couple of nights she was very heavily sedated with Fentanyl, but she’s been off that for 3 days now. Last night Smitty called and told us that she was breathing on her own, the ventilator was only assisting her with her oxygen sats, the ventilator setting for oxygen was 40%. Smitty had told me she was down to 30% the day before, but she must have started having problems keeping her O2 sat up, so they went back to 40%. Today Steve said it was on 55%, so that’s a big step backwards if I’m reading that right, and I’m not 100% sure that I am. The nurse told us yesterday there is no EEG scheduled since Sue is “coming around”. I’d like to see her definition of “coming around”… I don’t think it’s the same as mine! I need to do some more research. Smitty told Steve tonight that she didn’t have a pulmonary embolus, that it was just an arrhythmia. I guess that could be possible, but they don’t even have her on a CCU unit. She in plain old ICU. From the list of drugs that I’ve seen, she’s not taking anything to keep her cardiac rhythm regular, which I would think they would be doing if that’s the case. I’m trying to keep up with everything, but it’s hard when you’re the sister-in-law… Not exactly the first people they want to give information to. We’ll make it, because we don’t have any other choice, do we? Hang in there, Sue! We love you!