Archive for February, 2014

Thinking, thinking

Sitting around today thinking about my fairly dysfunctional family. M4 and I were going to get together today to scrap, each one of us is working on a scrapbook with memories of dad. Mostly pictures, since memories of dad were few and far between… I was also thinking about the conundrum of the trial coming up in Minnesota. Ugh, no wonder my anxiety level has been through the roof lately.

i got the subpoena before Christmas, but I spent so long sending the affidavit that I received it, they sent me another one. Truth is, I’m having a hard time trying to figure out how I’m going to handle getting there. Ah, in my car, you wise one… Steve won’t go with me, so that, of course severely limits my ability to pay for a hotel room, gas, food… Even if it’s only for one day, and even more if it’s for two. He knows I got the subpoena, I told him, but he thinks I can just ignore it. I love the guy, but he’s very concrete in his thinking. In his mind, the world goes according to his way of thinking. He doesn’t want me to go, so it should be no big deal if I don’t. Uh, no.

When we were first married I didn’t have custody of my son. Consequently, I had to pay child support. Well, in Steve’s mind that was unfair. (It was unfair in my mind too, I should have had Matt… but that’s for another day). He nagged and nagged ad NAGGED and told me to just quit paying it. I finally realized that the only way I was going to get him to understand that paying court-ordered child support is not an option, was to quit paying and let him see the result. Yeah, that worked out real well. My Satan spawn ex-in laws paid for my ex to take me back to court for contempt, which I know was entirely correct. The judge gave me the ultimatum that I pay $200 by Friday and $50 a month to catch up or I would be tossed in the slammer. Very fair, in my estimation. The only hitch was that I didn’t get paid until a week from Friday and I didn’t have $200. I took my lawyer with me out in the hallway to discuss this with Steve. HIs comment was “so?”. My attorney asked him if he would be wiling to pay the $200. “No. It’s not my obligation to pay her child support.” Again, that was true. However, I wanted him to see how you cannot just wantonly disregard court orders – and he didn’t get the point. I had to borrow the money from a co-worker or I would have spent the week in the slammer. Didn’t bother Steve a bit. (sigh)

I have explained all this to him AGAIN. I have told him that if I don’t show up for court, they will more than likely order a bench warrant for my arrest for contempt. He thinks this is no big deal because it’s in Minnesota and I don’t live there. The thing is I probably could never GO there again either. I know in Omaha when officers stop a car they can ask for ID from everyone in the vehicle. If that happened in Minnesota, I would be a visitor at the state’s expense until I know doubt paid a fine – and you know where that money would come from. Me. And I don’t exactly have a bulging savings account since disability really doesn’t go that far…

Steve thinks this isn’t my problem and I never should have gotten involved in it in the first place. Well, if I could go back 12 years and unsee and unhear things I saw and heard I would agree. However, the fact that I knew trouble was brewing with H and her father, and I had a conversation with her mother to tell her the situation was inappropriate, yet it continued, I AM involved. I’m the one who called the police and reported the abuse. I AM involved. I can’t be uninvolved now, just because he wants me to be. Frustrating. I don’t understand why he can’t be at least a little bit proud of me for standing up for a young girl who was in big trouble. I don’t care who the “players” were, that had nothing to do with it. I could not and did not stand by and let sexual abuse go on. I would do the same thing over again – only this time I might try to find a way to MAKE someone listen to me. I can’t imagine the mental abuse that went along with the physical abuse. How terrible. Yet, I’m supposed to walk away.

I know where this comes from in this case. I think Steve may be jealous that a former whatever you want to call him is involved. Big deal. I can’t understand the jealousy. After all that’s been said and done does he really think I would be susceptible to that idiot’s “charms”. Ha ha ha. Really, that’s laughable. I want to see that jerk sit behind bars for the rest of his natural life. He’s disgusting, gross and filthy. What’s to be jealous of? Which also begs the question, why won’t Steve go with me? He’s already said he won’t. So I’ve asked my sister, M4, to go with me. She will, and we’ll be fine. It should be an overnight trip if everything goes well. Get there one day, meet with the county attorney that afternoon to go over testimony, stay the night, testify the next day, and hopefully I’ll be done by the end of court that day and I can come home. End of story. But, no… I have to worry about explaining all this and getting into an argument that I can’t win because I’m doing something he doesn’t approve of. Ulcer, anyone?

Anyway, all this makes me wonder why I can’t seem to have the kind of relationship with my husband that I want. I love him, I do. But it’s not the kind of relationship I want. There’s no basis of trust for either of us. When we got married he didn’t trust me because of what wife #1 and put him through. I could deal with that, at the time. I figured he had good reason to be so untrusting, but at this point we’ve been married for 25 years, and things are no different now than the day we were married. Yes, I have left 3 times – because I got fed up with the way we were living and that lack of trust I have in him, because of his lack of trust in me. It’s like a vicious circle. He won’t trust me, I get tired of him not trusting me, I move out because I’m tired of it, he apologizes, he makes an effort to make things work, I move back home, he figures everything is back to normal, and then everything goes back to the way it was before. At this point in my life, I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to be married to anyone else. I don’t ever want to think about dating again – ever. I just want to be me. Wife, mom, grandma – dog mom. I’m happy with that. I want to be a good person and do what’s right when I see something so terribly wrong. Why is that bad? I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round and somebody has removed the gold ring, and I’m still trying to reach it.


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